14 Nov MOVING BEYOND WHAT BLOCKS YOUR GOOD INTENTIONS AND DEALS WITH YOURSELF
MOVING BEYOND WHAT BLOCKS YOUR GOOD INTENTIONS AND DEALS WITH YOURSELF
By Ruth Schimel PhD, Career & Life Management Consultant, Author DRAFT FOR REVIEW AS OF 11/9
Ruth’s collage: belly button blues.jpg (attempt at humor related to navel gazing)
(Background on idea of navel gazing that postpones acting: https://www.google.com/search?client=firefox-b-1-d&q=staring+at+your+belly+button )
Purpose of this article. Use this article to transcend the limitations and challenges of deals you make within yourself and with others. They give the illusion that you know what to do and will do it. But let’s face it: everyday life situations and requirements intrude.
Such quotidian matters, automatic habits and some emotions complicate your best intentions. Yet, you can still apply some creative dancing around intrusions, simplify situations and recognize emotional blocks to progress. So, put your toes in the water to start your small laps forward, with or without swimming experience. Each positive effort helps spark your confidence and courage. Courage definitions with four sub categories.docx
Dangers of good intentions. Continuous analysis and to-do lists can create an illusion of commitment. When they don’t lead to action, they could also contribute to a sense of guilt and frustration due to lack of progress or feeling overwhelmed by unaddressed promises to yourself. Over time, the best hopes and goal-setting related to worthwhile, important personal and professional goals that remain dormant will eventually drown in a lake of regret and forgetfulness.
Equally important are the half dozen or so balanced relationships that count in your life. Pending issues, conflict avoidance and silent accommodations can rob them of pleasure and meaning today and later.
What gets in the way of being true to your good deals? One of my favorite thefts, related to some of my own blocks in fact, is an idea from the philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche. He said people limit themselves because of fears, conscious or not, and laziness.
Individuals may think they’re being honest with themselves when they admit, express or list a problem, issue or other matter holding them back. But without their steps forward they do not hold water.
Examples of effective actions supporting good intentions. Well, enough background! What’s awaiting manageable action in your situation? Maybe the matters below or your own versions of the descriptions will help with focus and priorities. Avoid being overwhelmed by starting with the most important choice from the five below, taking your first small step right after you choose for momentum.
- Self-care – Consistently use professionally recommended healthy rhythms/patterns of eating and sleeping in daily life. Too ambitious? Instead, choose small actions you can build on. As possible, do keep a brief daily log of your incremental actions. Even if that’s a pain to do, it’s an efficient and honest way to notice and remember any behaviors that are holding you back. It also gives you indicators for rewarding yourself to reinforce any progress.
- Work-care – Start a project or action related to work that you truly want to do, whether sought or already in motion.
- Describe the current situation briefly and why it’s important to you.
- Briefly list your relevant skills and experience for doing your chosen focus. Identify and start filling in missing capacities as necessary.
- Name 3-5 specific, related sources of opportunities supporting the focus. Identify any known or accessible contacts who would or might assist you. (Remember every person knows 100-200 people who may be helpful.) Make your connections as bridges to what you want to accomplish rather than applying or starting blind which rarely works (unless you can make a great argument for your good or natural match!).
- Practice making a confident, focused case for yourself, verbally and in writing.
- Keep refining your plan regularly, based on your experiences taking action.
- Home-care – Specify 2-3 pending projects related to clutter, paperwork or resources. Identify what you will do, how you will do it and your specific timing. What assistance will you get, including paid, barter and free?
- Habits-care – Name and modify one habit or tendency that contributes to being stuck, causes new problems or limits quality of life. If you can imagine taking small steps to modify it, what would they be? When will you start and how will you sustain commitment to follow through?
- Relationships-care – Describe a relationship issue or opportunity that has win-win potential when addressed together. What are your and the other person’s 2-3 blocks to action? How will each of you agree to take manageable steps to start working through them?
You are in good company: what you can learn from how famous people grappled with relationship issues. Accomplished singer, dancer and actor Rita Moreno, provided a poignant example in her long marriage. After about 10 years of what was considered a good marriage, she recognized her unspoken deal: “I’ll be your little girl and make you very happy.” https://www.pbs.org/video/rita-moreno-just-a-girl-who-decided-to-go-for-it-zv0jcq/
But eventually she realized she wanted to grow up and had made a terrible mistake by sticking with that deal. As she fell out of love and the deal, it was shocking to her husband. Yet not wanting to put her daughter’s good relationship with her father in jeopardy, she remained decades more in the marriage until he died. https://wapo.st/48jBHET
I wonder what would have happened if Moreno took another route instead of silence and inaction about the deal. Instead, she may have addressed/admitted that deal with her husband out loud in accurate, considerate words. Then, they may have invigorated their relationship for mutual benefit or let it go, hopefully amicably. Perhaps she could have engaged and discussed the realities about the deal with her husband and later with her daughter when she matured somewhat.
Easier said than done, of course. But it could have been better than losing all those decades to the unspoken deal which may have also affected the quality of life for all three people. Sometimes the fear of opening and accurately naming an issue will limit effective outcomes and sharing for everyone.
Another relationship issue between TV cooking host and recipe book author Ina Garten is described in her recent book, Be Ready When the Luck Happens. As she established herself, the original deal with her husband also became stale. No longer wanting to be taken care of, she established her independence. Gradually coming back together, they earned a healthier connection. She also had the assistance of her therapist where there was another story in the book. Free WashPost book review: https://wapo.st/3CgyUR5
Name a few deals you’re stuck in that you want to and will address with your small, authentic steps (or laps) now. (Note: Possible blocks are mentioned in parenthesis; change or add your own descriptions.)
- Important relationship: Is there an imbalance in sharing responsibilities at home? (fear of anticipated conflict, change in relationship?)
- Persistent personal habit: What assistance will you get to help you address one limiting habit that affects your security, health or quality of life? (cost, following through, agreement from source of assistance, lack of your motivation?)
- Learning opportunity: Name one engaging, healthy manageable project, topic or activity that will be mentally stimulating and valuable. (Laziness, fear?)
As Moreno mentioned in a later discussion, she was aware of dragging past shadows into her possibilities for a brighter, lighter present. They postponed progress.
What shadows from your past are holding you back? Could they be some hesitation about naming an underlying tendency or psychological issue? As they say in Alcoholics Anonymous: “name it, claim and drop it.” Do that to see how the shadows begin to fade.
How will you acknowledge and reward yourself for any progress, however slow and nonlinear? All honest, specific actions count.
You can give yourself as many healthy rewards as you want! What would they be?
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