06 Oct Empower Yourself First
Givers, Takers, and Modulators. I bet you’ve noticed people who tend to be givers or takers in relationships. Their behaviors show up regularly in personal as well as professional situations. Then there are individuals who consciously modulate their natural tendencies to suit situations. To use their energies effectively, while honoring their values, they change or adjust their behavior to an appropriate balance for themselves and possibly for others.
This article on how to empower yourself first is meant primarily for the modulators and the people who want to move in that direction. To avoid getting stuck in either/or categories and rigid labels, imagine a flexible range of shifting behaviors with givers on one end and takers on the other. You may adjust choices for action in either direction, depending on what makes sense.
Natural givers can be distracted, taken over, and exploited by self-absorbed takers concerned with their own needs, preferences, and habits. These givers are caught in a draining cycle of caring about others to their own disadvantage. As a result, they often feel tired and stressed, cues that they typically put others’ needs before their own. The more they give, the greater the demands may be. Generous-spirited souls, their identity is tied to helping others first. Unfortunately, they tend to create and choose connections with people from whom little is or can be offered (or even requested!).
The quality of life of takers also suffers. Their tendencies bind them in rigid, repetitive behaviors that make healthy, meaningful relationships unlikely. Many seem to be bottomless pits of neediness and manipulation. Some have various mental health issues. Ironically, they can become just as dependent on the giver as the giver is on them. In many ways, they too are trapped in the same web of co-dependency. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency
Possible progress. Regardless of the tendency you have or notice, there are more choices than you think. As you use your curiosity and courage to try new behaviors, take small steps to see what works for you. Experience improved quality of life as you modulate your behavior with improved choices about your relationships. Progress is not necessarily linear nor automatic, but your thoughtful, responsible action is possible.
Whether primarily a giver or taker, let’s also face the reality that some people are stuck in their patterns and will benefit from professional assistance to make progress. For chemical, familial, and other reasons, they are afraid or possibly incapable of shifting how they live entirely on their own. That becomes apparent when habits continue in destructive or uncontrolled ways, resulting in negative or dangerous outcomes that sap human potential and possibilities. For a sense of where you or people who are important to you may “fall,” take a look at the following article (or others you find via Google): https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/happiness-and-the-pursuit-leadership/201507/are-you-giver-or-taker
Choices await. Better yet, let’s assume you are ready or curious enough about modulating actions for your own benefit and potentially for others whose limiting behavior you may reinforce. Help yourself out of this trap by considering some of the accessible suggestions in the rest of this article. Use your critical thinking and intuition to take what’s useful, adapt what you wish, and leave the rest.
These suggestions are geared to creating safer, authentic havens from behaviors that can limit or hurt you, especially in these complex times of accelerating change over which you have less influence. They are safe because they emerge from within you where your abilities, common sense, and intuition lie. And, of course, they are authentic because they reflect who you are and what you truly want. They also honor the reality that lost time and energy cannot be regained, but they can be saved by applying effective lessons for empowering yourself in the present and future.
First, understand and address your current situation, however challenging this may seem. Gently, ask yourself:
- What is working well? (e.g. saving regularly and using resources judiciously, developing personally and professionally, doing secure and interesting work, however you define it)
- What needs incremental attention? (e.g. allocating time and resources, making what you offer apparent to appropriate people, groups, and organizations, exploring alternatives for healthy relationships and smart use of resources).
- Before you engage others, identify opportunities for action to show your due diligence and credibility. For example, what are your two top professional goals now? Which main resources can you count on, which are iffy? What two significant personal habits would benefit from improvement and how specifically will you proceed to do that?
- Which two or three trusted people will provide useful inspiration, support, or guidance? (e.g. anyone without a vested interest such as a fee-based financial planner or accountant as well as knowledgeable, caring colleagues, friends, or family members who understand and appreciate the true you).
Gather reliable information and sources on a continuing basis for learning, focus, and effective action. Identify two or three sources of pertinent information you can scan or visit regularly. They may include newsletters, listservs, and blogs. Other sources are social networking sites and RSS feeds from noteworthy writers. Perhaps choose among mostly even-handed local and national newspapers such as The Wall Street Journal, The Washington Post, and The New York Times. Explore magazines such as Fast Company, Wired, and Business Week.
C-Span programs at www.c-span.org and www.booktv.org can also be useful. Choose television channels that provide a range of views. Of course, prospect in Google for specific matters. Identify a few other interesting, entertaining sources that address subjects connected to your specific goals and interests as well as new matters that intrigue you. In today’s world of accelerating change, your willingness to keep learning will keep you vibrant, healthy, and prepared.
Consider a range of viewpoints. Stay resilient by keeping an open mind and heart. Make sure sources and contacts represent perspectives beyond what’s predictable and comfortable. In any event, most all of them have points of view and often an underlying ideology. To keep current, anticipate the future, and stay engaged, frame several questions you want to explore, updating what you’ve learned as needed. To avoid overload and distraction, listen to Bob Schieffer’s three-minute summary and consider reading his new book, Overload: Finding the Truth in Today’s Deluge of News. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9rz6mramgoE
As you assess what you are reading, seeing, and hearing, practice ways to “think against yourself,” as philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre said. Question your own assumptions; have conversations with individuals who have different cultural and educational backgrounds. Manage all these suggestions to avoid overwhelming yourself with a barrage of data and opinions. Instead, ignite natural rhythms of action to support effective inquiries and choices ─ and to enjoy yourself.
Continue building confidence through action and honesty with yourself. Staying aware and clear will add to your confidence for smart, satisfying living that leaves energy and time for well-placed generosity. Insofar as possible, avoid action distorted by fear or anxiety. Keep in mind that individuals, groups, and organizations as well as financial markets and deals are affected by emotion that can be named and understood. Some of the emotions are well-founded and motivating, others distracting or impulsive. When you find yourself lurching from situation to situation and reacting instead of acting, beware.
The energy and direction provided by positive emotions and even clues from negative ones will enhance the quality of choices and actions. To get further appreciation of the power of emotions and why they don’t equate to irrationality, see Antonio Damasio’s book: Descartes’ Error: Emotions, Reason, and the Human Brain. You may also find William James’ seemingly dated, but valuable ideas, stimulating. His Essays on Faith and Morals show me, at least, how prescient he was as both a psychologist and philosopher around the turn of the last century.
As you move forward, be realistic about what’s possible to do while attending to your important goals, purposes, and dreams. For health and balance, make time to rest, reflect, and play. Develop a possible schedule of specific, regular action, revisiting your main priorities every few months to make sure they still relate to what you truly want and need in the present and future.
Additional ways to sustain the process of empowering yourself:
- Decide on what you can reasonably influence. Focus on manageable action while avoiding using end results as your main criterion for success.
- Engage in a variety of ways to have fun and be with people who are mentally and physically healthy.
- Reward yourself for good outcomes, however modest.
For further inspiration and guidance on empowering yourself first, explore my short handbook: https://www.ruthschimel.com/books/#book-3
© 2017 Ruth Schimel, PhD. ruth@ruthschimel.com www.ruthschimel.com
Not for commercial use or publication without author’s permission.
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