07 Aug Beyond Networking To Valuable Relationships
© 2026 by Ruth Schimel PhD, Career & Life Management Consultant, Author
ruth@ruthschimel.com www.ruthschimel.com 202.659.1772
However touted, networking is fairly direct. But for many it’s not always easy. When networking seems like self-promotion or another self-interested process required for work or other purposes, it can lose luster and value. Instead, think of networking as building and sustaining relationships for mutual benefit and enjoyment in both personal and professional situations. In other words, let go of the word networking in favor of the following suggestions.
There are several ways to make building effective relationships easier in both professional and personal life. First these spheres often overlap and cross-fertilize. Connections and leads occur in most activities. Experience in sustaining communication and relationships also carries over.
Second, use your intuition about making commitments to time, individuals, and situations. Consider the following:
- What do you sense about the other person or people in the situation?
- How good is the match between your values and interests?
- Is the situation promising for learning, connecting, development or fun?
- Is the time involved available and worth it?
- How enjoyable do you anticipate the process to be?
Whenever you communicate about yourself, be as specific as possible about your interests and hopes because no one is clairvoyant. Instead of conventional job titles and aims, describe in a few sentences your interests and, as appropriate, what you seek and why. Add how your previous experience relates. Also be prepared to describe an ideal situation that integrates past strengths and experiences with what inspires and distinguishes you from people with similar backgrounds.
Now, directly to relationship building. Two positive habits for almost any circumstance are suggested. Just keep these two in mind as you sense possibilities for a worthwhile relationship with a person of value and hopefully with generosity of spirit.
- Give what you would probably want. That may include a range of what human beings can offer one another. The intangibles are often empathy, kindness, acknowledgment, and effective listening. Tangible matters could be information, introductions, useful feedback, and concrete appreciation. Your authenticity, or at least sincerity in reaching out, will enrich all these possibilities for building trust and mutual appreciation.
- Explore how you could assist the other person by anticipating what you could do and they would need. This likely involves some conversation and learning about another’s interests and concerns; that builds bridges of mutual appreciation. Attention to your intuition and instincts about the person and situation can also test and clarify your assumptions about what would be appropriate for the person. For clarification and exploration, ask open-ended questions starting with what and how.
One advantage of experimenting with these two suggestions is that they lead to letting go of focus on your own skills, feelings, and assumptions. That does not mean you ignore what you want and need. But it can avoid concerns about how you’re being received, releasing energy and abilities to connect more fully and naturally with others. There are several benefits in doing that:
- Whatever discomfort, anxiety, or self-absorption you feel in a situation can be put aside for a while.
- Concerns you may have from previous experience or at the time are muted; they do not bubble up to affect what you do and say.
- You’ll be more charming, caring, and confident as you elicit positive responses from others who appreciate your attention and effective listening.
In this relationship building and deepening process, you’ll also be creating opportunities for unanticipated positive outcomes and experimenting with new behaviors and actions to add to your repertoire. Furthermore, you’ll avoid trapping yourself into end-gaining. This is an idea from The Alexander Technique which describes automatic repetition of what feels comfortable, but does not suit nor result in success in the future.
http://alextech.wikia.com/wiki/End-gaining
To encourage a positive self-fulfilling prophecy act as if the best result is possible. Then you do whatever you can to generate a desired outcome, but have neutral expectations about what will happen. After all, there are so many factors related to the people involved and in the situation itself that there is no way to wave the magic wand that ensures what you want will happen. Finally, by focusing outward, on the other person, you will be less likely to over prepare or under prepare; you’ll be more spontaneous and flexible. The two suggestions at the beginning will then contribute to efficiency and effectiveness.
Now, I can imagine you’ll understandably bring up reservations about these suggestions and ideas based on your own personal tendencies and experience, perhaps even your own developmental background. You may be among the 40% or so people along the continuum of introversion, for example. Or you may combine aspects of introversion and extraversion, depending on the situation. That’s called being an ambivert.
Your reservations may also include your negative experiences and anticipation of other people’s disinterest or lack of sensitivity. No doubt you’ve come across mean, insensitive, impatient people. But as long as you react or anticipate such negative or neutral responses, your own behavior will tend to mirror that assumption. The resulting negative self-fulfilling prophecy may elicit what you express rather than what you seek.
Given all factors related to developing and sustaining worthwhile, valuable relationships, the one where you have the most choice and influence is yourself. Notice I don’t say “control,” because that’s an iffy matter. Other people, the situation, and the environment may be influenced to some degree, depending on your motivation, skills, actions and resources.
In sum, focusing on your own behavior and making concrete, clear choices, where you have the most power is likely to take you forward. It provides efficient and effective ways to go beyond conventional networking to develop and sustain valuable relationships for mutual benefit. Your patience and sense of humor will also contribute.
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